


Something you can't do on television

by varenoea2



Category: The Monkees, The Monkees (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 05:07:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/varenoea2/pseuds/varenoea2
Summary: The Monkees can't escape their TV reality in the movie "Head".Until... Mike has an idea. To get kicked off the air, all they have to do is: something you can't do on television.Such as full frontal nudity. Or homosexual acts. Especially among young men under the age of 21. What could possibly go wrong?





	Something you can't do on television

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fan fiction. I do not own or know the Monkees - neither their TV characters, nor their real-life counterparts. Neither do I own any other character or place which may appear in this story. The Monkees never did naughty things with each other (to my knowledge). I make no money with this piece of fiction. It was written and posted purely to amuse Monkees fans with a disposition for crude acts of homosexuality, because let's be honest, crude acts of homosexuality are hot.

It’s hopeless. Hopeless. They’re captured in the world of their hilarious, brainless little TV series, and they will never get out. That much is certain. 

Or at least, that’s what they’re sure of when they were captured in a water tank after jumping off the Golden Gate bridge. What can you do when even suicide won’t get you out of life?

So they’ve pretty much given up. They have climbed out of their tank, they have dried their clothes and hair as best as they can. Now they’re sitting on boxes in the store-room beside the tank. They’re not trying to get out any more. What for? There is no place to run.

“Well”, says Pete sadly, “what do we do now?”

“Does it matter?” asks Davy.

“Not really”, Micky admits. “We could hang ourselves and we wouldn’t die.”

Peter sighs.

“Not as long as the producers need us, anyway”, adds Micky.

And suddenly, Mike lifts his head. “What did you just say?”

“I said, as long as the producers need us”, repeats Micky. 

“Suppose”, says Mike, and there’s a spark in his voice.

“What?” asks Davy and scoots up closer to him.

“Suppose… they didn’t need us anymore.”

“But we’re a money-making machine”, says Peter.  
“What if we did something”, says Mike and lifts his head, “ _you can’t do on television_?”

“Oh, like fart?” says Peter.

“No. Something really, really depraved and disgusting, and illegal. Something that’ll get us kicked off the air.” Mike looks around under his lowered eyelids, and the others understand. Their skin starts tingling.

Micky jumps up. “Like screwing a pig?!”

“Well”, says Mike slowly, “I don’t know why _that_ was your first idea, but yeah, something like that. Well, except for the pig. I’m not doing a pig, no matter what!”

Micky chews his lower lip. “Well, I could toss your salad. That should work.”

Davy suddenly freezes. His eyes go wide.

Mike coughs. “No, Micky, I don’t think making salad is going to get us anywhere.”

“That’s what _you_ think, down-home boy.” 

Mike decides to let the salad slip for now. It doesn’t matter. “Does anybody know what’s gotten into Davy?”, he wonders. “Anyway. I was just about to say: there’s one very simple thing we could do that would get us kicked off the air.”

Peter nods and swallows.

“It’s not pleasant – I don’t think it is, anyway – but we could do it.”

“Do what?”

“Each other. Full frontal nudity? Homosexuality on television? Between men under 21, no less? That’s strictly illegal. And it’s gross. No cable TV show could get away with that.”

There is silence between the four young men. Micky nods. Peter is looking left and right, trying to find stability. Davy starts blinking again. And he’s also the first one to speak.

“I don’t think it’s gross.”

“No, of course”, says Mike quickly – it’s bad enough that everybody thinks he’s a square, when he’s not – “but most people think it’s gross.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t find it gross to kiss you guys”, says Davy. 

“Kissing wouldn’t cut it, we’d have to really get our backs into it”, sighs Mike.

“Our back- _sides_ ”, says Micky. “And that brings me back to my first idea.”

Davy stares at Micky like a deer in the headlights. “Say, you’d really toss Mike’s salad? You’d do that?”

“Guys”, Mike interrupts them, “we have to make a decision! Do you wanna try it, or not?”

Peter looks at Mike, and then at Davy. “I wouldn’t find kissing you gross, either”, he says. “I wouldn’t mind kissing you, Davy. For a start. So I vote yes.”

Davy smiles and looks at Mike. “There’s only one way to find out”, he sighs. “So I vote yes, too. I want out of here.”

Micky doesn’t say anything. But he has two red spots on his cheeks. “I’ll follow you, my captain. I’ll be right behind you.”

Mike exhales. “Right. Then let’s get started.”

“Full frontal nudity?” Davy inquires.

“Nothing too artistic”, says Mike strictly. “We want to be crass.”

Peter is the first to pull his shirt over his head, and the others follow. They drop their trousers and shoes and socks, until they stand in the dark in their briefs. It’s a little bit cold.

“Now”, says their fearless leader, and then he says nothing.

“Well”, says Davy and looks Peter up and down. 

Peter is, again, the first one to move. He takes one step towards Davy, takes his head in both hands, and bends down – and a little more – until it looks silly – closes his eyes and puts his open mouth to Davy’s. 

Davy, transfixed, breathes out and opens his lips too, and then they kiss. And how they kiss! This is not a test. This is not a show. Mike gasps. He’s almost ready to rub his eyes. 

These two _want_ it.

“Holy cow”, mumbles Mike. How long have they wanted this? How could he not notice that they were sweet on one another? 

Davy’s hands come around Peter’s back. He’s standing on tiptoe. And boy, there is a tent rising in his red shorts, as if even his cock was stretching up to meet Peter. They suck and bite at each other’s lips, and then Davy breaks the kiss and gasps for air. 

“Wow, babe”, he says, stunned.  
“This is getting really hard on my back”, grins Peter. “Down?” He drops himself onto his pile of clothes and pulls Davy with him, and Davy doesn’t resist. 

“Ahem!” Micky’s cough pulls Mike out of his trance. “I’m still here, you know, and a young man like me needs a whole lot of love.”

“Right”, says Mike and tries to calm his pounding heartbeat. Are they going to be as happy as Peter and Davy, or will this feel like some form of self-violation? “Then… let’s get going.”

“Alright”, says Micky, and pounces. Mike is suddenly on his back, legs sprawling like a bug’s. A slight wave of panic washes over him. Micky is heavy. And his crotch is up against Mike’s, and that’s weird. And Mike knows that they’ll have to go much, much further than this.

But then, in the middle of his panic, he feels Micky’s lips on his own, and that’s not bad, not bad at all. He tastes good. He smells good, too. Micky’s lips rub against Mike’s, and then the real onslaught begins. A kiss. Soft and dry at first, then soft and wet. Really slow and searching.

Surprisingly beautiful.

Mike chuckles.

“What?” Micky props himself up on his elbow. “What’s funny about me kissing you, huh?”

“Even”, explains Mike. “She said _even_. Remember? That chick? She must be stupid. You’re good. Really good.”

“Yeah, well maybe you look hotter than her”, grins Micky. 

This time Mike moves towards him until their lips touch again. And then Micky slips him some tongue, and Mike thinks _wait, you can’t kiss with tongues on television_ , but that’s the point, isn’t it?

Anyway, Micky is a surprisingly good kisser, and Mike closes his eyes and feels that strange tongue between his lips. And then it withdraws, and Mike’s tongue follows. They meet again on the other side of Micky’s teeth, and it’s… strange, but it’s pleasant. Mike _likes_ the taste of another guy. 

And to be completely honest, he probably always did, but he never thought about the possibility.

Mike lays his hand on the back of Micky’s head and pulls him closer. He may be lying beneath Micky in the most fuckable position ever, but he’s not feeling crowded. Even Micky’s half-mast against Mike’s hipbones is not as unsettling as it should be. 

And for a second there, in the middle of another slow tongue-kiss, Mike suddenly wishes it wasn’t just his mouth that gets penetrated by Micky, but there’s also a strange heavy feeling in his crotch, and an itch in a place where there really shouldn’t be any desires…

Micky leans into Mike, warps his arms around his chest, nuzzles his nose into his hair and whispers into his ear: “Babe, I want to suck your cock, _then_ I want to toss your salad, and then I want inside you. Is that alright?”

Mike gasps. He’s slowly realizing that the salad really does have something to do with this. “About the salad… what is that?” he asks.

“You just drop your briefs and I’ll show you”, grins Micky. 

“Hey, I have an idea”, says a voice beside his ear, and he becomes aware that Davy is still here, too. And Peter. They’re entangled and already naked. “Why not suck each other’s todgers all around? I mean, I could suck Peter’s and he could suck Micky’s and _he_ could suck yours. And you could suck mine.”

“How?” asks Mike breathlessly. He just got used to the idea that he _might_ take Micky’s dick into his mouth, and now Davy wants the same thing! And where the hell did he get the idea of doing it all around?

But Micky has already said what a great idea it is, and slid off of Mike, and put his head in Mike’s lap. And now his mouth is tracing Mike’s half-hard cock through the boxers. How are you supposed to think? 

And then Micky’s fingertips trace along Mike’s hipbones and pull down the boxers and free Mike’s hardening cock. 

“Oh my God”, drawls Mike, thinking how lucky he is. Until he realizes that his head is suddenly on Davy’s thigh, and Davy’s crown jewels are two inches from his cheek. 

“Hey, don’t be startled”, lilts Davy and runs his hand through Mike’s hair. “It’s nothing to be afraid of. You’ve got one yourself. Just do what you like done to yourself.”

And he closes his eyes, takes the tip of Peter’s cock into his mouth and starts to suck lightly. 

“Have … you ever done this before?” Mike asks, still scared to death of Davy’s little Davy.

Dave’s mouth comes off Peter’s cock with a pop. “No, why?”

“Babe, just shut it and enjoy”, says Micky, and then there is a warm and wet mouth around Mike’s cock, and a firm palate and a strong tongue squeezing it from both sides, and Mike closes his eyes and groans and drops his head on Davy’s thigh again. 

“Hmmm”, Micky hums reassuringly, to show Mike that this is fun. “Hmmmm…. MH!” Because this is the second that Peter takes Micky into his mouth with an impish grin.

And it’s all over. Mike can see them all from above, a rectangle of torsos, heads in one another’s laps, and he knows he can’t resist any longer. This is so _fucking_ hot. 

He carefully reaches for Davy’s softening cock and carefully runs his lips along the shaft. And that shaft immediately grows again. Davy mumbles something that sounds like a curse around Peter’s dick.

It doesn’t taste bad. In fact, it tastes like nothing. Just skin. But it reacts, and how! Mike runs his tongue along the tip, and then, encouraged by Davy’s groans, he sucks along the underside from the base to the tip. That’s what he likes done to himself, so he reckons that Davy should like it too – and he does. A lot, by the sound of it. 

But it’s hard to concentrate when Micky is sucking him in like this… 

What are they doing? Is this really going to help them at all, or _are they just lying around in a warehouse, sucking each other’s cocks all for nothing?_

Mike is beginning to doubt his own ideas, when his eyes fall to the boards below Davy’s hip. The black line between the boards suddenly twitches, then wobbles to the sides like a just-plucked guitar string.

A hot surge of excitement rises in Mike’s belly. This is not normal. Boards don’t normally do that. So he goes back to the task at hand with renewed energy, and it’s not long before Davy cries out: 

“Stop! Mike, stop, you’re gonna make me…”

Mike opens his mouth and lets Davy’s hard cock fall out. He takes one deep breath of fresh air. Wow. He nearly made a guy come. Fancy that. 

“Huh. Huh.” Davy sits up, face red and hair tousled. “That was close.”

The four sides of the square drift apart and become two pairs again. Mike ends up kneeling in front of Micky and kissing him, and now even their kisses taste different. It’s not because they each just had a cock in their mouth – or so he hopes – but because they’re just about ready to explode. 

“So… where do we go from here?” mumbles Mike into Micky’s ear. 

Micky gently bites his earlobe. “Salad?” he suggests.

“Okay, salad. I just hope it’s something nice”, says Mike, and lets Micky take charge.

“Oh dear”, he says when Micky turns him around.

“Oh help”, he says when Micky bend him over with gentle force.

“Oh WHAT!!” he shouts when Micky does what he promised. “Wah! Stop! Stop, what are you doing?!”

“Don’t you like it?”

“Well, I mean, you can’t do that! That’s… eeew!” Mike shakes, and then he sees Davy and Peter, and Davy is chuckling his head off.

“Just enjoy it, babe”, recommends Davy, his hand firmly wrapped around both his and Peter’s cocks. 

Micky turns Mike around, so that they can look into one another’s eyes. “What’s wrong? If you like it, why don’t you try it? Huh? Ease up.”

“Why d’you _do_ that?” wheezes Mike. “Do _you_ like it?”

“I do it for girls, too”, Micky says and smiles his sweet, flattened-out smile, “it makes them more willing to, you know, let you go the rest of the way. Plus, it makes you ease up, and you need a bit of easing up if you want to get banged in that place.”

Mike tries to think through the hot and cold shivers in the pit of his stomach. “Okay”, he says finally, “keep going. You know what you’re doing. It’s just… I won’t kiss you on the mouth after this.”

“Totally groovy. All I want at this point is to get my dick in you”, says Micky, ever the romantic, and turns him around again.

Mike closes his eyes. He doesn’t need to see Davy and Peter watch him getting… his salad tossed, ass up in the air. Instead, he tries to focus on how it feels, and like everything Micky does, it feels strangely good.

“Hmmm. You’re easing up already”, says Micky and gives Mike’s unspeakables another loving lick. 

Mike opens his eyes a crack and sees the crates under him blur. Is it something about his eyes? Or is reality really starting to blur around the edges? Then the blurring is gone. 

“Ready?” asks Micky through the haze around Mike’s head. “I think I’m gonna die if you don’t let me do it to you soon, babe.”

Mike turns around. Misty-eyed, he looks up at his friend. “Is it going to hurt?”

Micky hesitates for a split-second, but then honesty wins over. “Yeah. I’ll try, but it’ll hurt, I’m pretty sure.”

“Okay.” Mike lays back. He’s at peace. This will not last forever, and he can take it for a while. If it’s from Micky, it’ll be alright. “Go ahead. I’m a big boy, I can take it.”

Micky grins and pushes Mike’s legs apart. He spits in his hands and lathers his cock up. “Gimme a little space”, he murmurs and pushes Mike’s legs up over his shoulders.

Heaven help me, thinks Mike. Getting fucked like a girl!

Micky leans in, cock in hand. Mike closes his eyes, bites his lip and concentrates on what he’s feeling. At first, there’s only dull pressure, but then suddenly, there’s a dull, coppery, cracking pain around his ring. Very unnerving. He bites his lip harder and listens to Micky’s mumbling about relaxing, and breathing, and then a piece of Micky is in, and at first there’s no room inside Mike for any more. But then, and Micky moves gently in and out, he makes progress, and finally, just as Mike wishes it would stop – they’re completely stuck together.

“Oh, babe”, sighs Micky. “Oh, babe!”

Mike still doubts if this will be fun. He can’t see the appeal yet. It just stings. But then he opens his eyes just in time to see Davy pop his cherry on Peter. And this is a sight that makes him forget his own woes.

Peter is sitting on his heels, and Davy has straddled his lap, his shoulder blades pressed up against Peter’s chest. Head back, eyes closed, hands supported on his thighs. Peter has his eyes closed too, forehead leaning against the back of Davy’s neck, one hand on Davy’s chest and the other holding his own cock steady. So hot to look at. Oh God.

“Uh”, moans Davy when the tip touches his most intimate spot, and he leans further back, as if to look for support from his lover. In the darkness and with their eyes closed, they’re lost to the world. It’s as if they were alone in the entire universe.

Davy lowers himself further. Peter is mumbling unintelligible words under his breath, but they must be very sweet, because they make Davy smile through the discomfort.

“Ouch”, he moans again, but not as if _ouch_ were a bad thing.

And Mike, too, is beginning to feel… strangely… good. Yes, definitely: that thing up his butt feels _good_.

“Keep going”, he mumbles, “Micky, I think this is doing something for me!”

With Micky’s next push, Mike feels the earth move.

And then he realizes that he really _did_ feel the earth move. The universe is shaking. This is not a San Francisco earthquake, and it’s not just sex. 

It’s working. They’re breaking reality! 

“Keep going”, he groans. “Harder! Almost there!”

“Wow, already?” gasps Micky, who seems to have no clue that he’s causing a rift in reality. He bends forward, and Mike feels his lips and cheek on the middle of his chest. “You like this, you sick fuck, eh?”

Yeah, he does. He really does. 

Thrusting into Davy, Peter has come up and forward, pushing Davy up and forward too. Davy is face down, biting his own discarded slacks, and Peter roughly pushes down on the poor boy’s shoulders. And the boxes around them are blurring and shaking silently.

Micky’s cock keeps hitting Mike’s prostate like a hammer. Mike wants to shout that it’s too much, please give me a break, but no, don’t stop, don’t change a thing. Caught on the edge of torture, he suddenly understands May West’s saying that _too much of a good thing can be wonderful_. 

“Don’t stop”, he whispers. “Just don’t stop.”

“No way”, groans Micky. 

Peter twitches and whimpers, and then he falls back onto his heels. Davy has his back arched like a cat. Only the white of his eyes is showing.

Peter drops his head on Davy’s butt cheek. “Oh Davy”, he groans in a tone of total surprise, “I made you gape.”

“You wha’?” says Davy, coming down from a different stratosphere. 

“Push it out for me”, says Peter from far away, “please.”

Davy’s belly goes tight, and then the white stuff runs down his balls. Peter’s eyes go wide, and his hips come up on their own accord. His still half-hard cock twitches once more, and Mike hardly believes his eyes – but this is what’s happening, Peter comes again, but dry.

“Oh Davy…”, he sighs and falls forward, his face between Davy’s shoulder blades. 

Davy sighs and slides down onto his side. Peter falls over him. They lie together like puppies, with Peter stroking Davy’s neck. Now they’re watching Mike and Micky finish their race.

Mike is close. Too close to go back. His mouth is saying things to spur Micky on, but he can’t hear himself, and if he could, he would be so ashamed tomorrow. Micky gives it all he’s got, and Mike’s hand is furiously yanking his cock.

And then Micky comes. Hard. And Mike is left with a limp cock inside him and left to finish on his own.

“No way”, he pants. “No way. Micky, come here!”

“Huh?”

Mike sits up and pushes Micky over. Just so that he’s in the right position. “Let me finish?” he begs, and Micky blinks. He doesn’t understand. Only when Mike spits in his hand and lathers up his own cock, he raises his eyebrows, but then he nods.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Mike doesn’t lose time. He just pushes Micky up at the right angle and then drives into him, just as fast as Micky’s anatomy will allow. He knows you can’t rush this, but he’s going to die if he can’t come _right now_ …

Micky groans and closes his eyes, but not in a bad way. More like… overwhelmed. Encouraged, Mike thrusts into the tight heat, and oh God, Micky feels delicious, and it only takes three thrusts before he explodes inside his friend, and it seems to last forever. Until it’s over. 

With a deep sigh Mike falls down on top of Micky, and Davy and Peter cuddle up to them. Sprawled out on the floor in post-orgasmic bliss, they hardly notice what’s going on around them. Davy is the first to lift his head off Pete’s chest. 

“Hey, look at the walls”, he gasps.

“Look at the floor”, cries Mike almost at the same time.

The wall is cracking and splintering silently. White light shines through the cracks, and the pieces fall away. The dark walls and props and boards dissolve like a picture that is being cut up with scissors. And the floor crackles and peels away too. 

“Oh my God”, gasps Peter. “We did it. We did it!”

The guys scramble and hold on to each other. And to their clothes. The floor under them beings to fall away, but they can’t feel it – only the color vanishes, the feeling of floor is still there.

And then it’s gone. It’s all gone. The world is gone.

Everything is white. No horizon, no landmarks. Nothing.

Davy lifts his head again. “Groovy. We made it. We did it, we really did it!”

They untangle themselves and get to their feet, jumping up and down and congratulating each other.

“Quick, put your clothes back on”, says Mike. “In case someone sees us!”

“Here? There’s nobody here”, says Micky and looks around quizzically.

“Where are we, anyway?” asks Pete. “Is this Nirvana?”

“Could be”, admits Mike. The air is neither warm nor cold. Maybe this is really the state of ultimate stagnation.

“Wherever we are, we’ve made it out”, shouts Davy. “And our producers can suck it!”

“Oh, not again”, says Micky, “I think I’ve had enough for a week!”

“It’s a nice change”, says Mike.

“So where do we go from here?” asks Peter.

“Something will pop up”, says Davy lightly.

Peter stares at the horizon. “I think it already has”, he says. “Look at that!”

There is something furry in the distance, prancing and pirouetting towards them.

“What the hell is this?” asks Mike very slowly.

It’s some sort of giant hamster with a fluffy pink tail and a mask on its face. 

“Aw, he’s cute”, says Peter.

“He’s also creepy”, says Davy and takes a step behind Micky.

“Don’t be scared, just because he’s taller than you”, says Mike bravely. “Hello, Mister! We were wondering where we are.”

The giant hamster stops right before them. He’s not really taller than Davy, but not that much smaller, either. He looks them up and down, and then he says:

“Aren’t we all? It’s the human condition.  
A common problem. One might also say, a common ambition.”

Then he studies them again, blinks and says: 

“I must say, I expected someone other than you.  
But never mind. You’ll do.”

 

THE END

PS: If you didn't get the ending, watch "Yellow Submarine". Screw that - watch "Yellow Submarine" even if you do get the ending, because it's the best film ever made, full stop.


End file.
